Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in fightingsanity's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, August 25th, 2009
9:32 pm	Goodbye I've realized part of the regret here is this: saying goodbye to them is like saying goodbye to my teenage/college years. To my youth. To so much. To so much I never experienced, to admit that I never will. And I am not even there for it. I can't even really explain it. I wish I had someone right now who understood. (Comment on this)
9:06 pm	only one There is only one place I want to be right now. And I can't be there. I didn't buy a ticket for any of the NIN NYC shows. And I am very dissapointed with myself. Especially after I saw that the show the other night included the entire Downward Spiral. Wow. Just simply wow. It would have blown me away. Any of the post-Wave Goodbye, final shows of final tour playlists would have been phenomenal, at least from what I've seen so far. But The Downward Spiral, in it's entirety? Simply amazing. And I want to be in NYC, seeing them play a small venue again, so badly. The show in Holmdel, I felt, was not that great. Mostly it was the crowd. I failed to really feel a part of that show. I felt disconnected. Not the sort of concert experience I enjoy. Complete opposite of House of Blues, which had been incredible. Would have been incredible even without the incredibly good (and somehow equally bad) pre-concert experience of meeting the band. I just feel so frustrated right now. With myself. For so many reasons. I feel creatively frustrated, because I want to be out there, making something worthwhile. Something that, ultimately, makes someone else feel the same way this band, and others as well, have made me feel. If I could touch just one person in that way, I would have accomplished something. I am angry at myself that I am so far in debt and stuck at home (still), that I am not out there, exploring the world, meeting people, being young. Instead here I am, at home on the computer. I need to get out and do something, be someone. Instead of sitting in my room listening to some people outside on the street under my window talking about their cellulite or cellulitis or something. Instead of working in a fucking grocery store, unable to make any headway in the money owed. Working toward a worthless degree. Not seeing myself being free. If someone right now handed $50,000, I would just start crying. If I could pay off my student loans, as well as the bit I owe to credit cards, I would be free. Truly free. Free to pursue whatever I wished. Fucking system of student debt. It just ensures that I'll find a 'real job.' Because I have no other choice. I am suffocating here. Strangled, no room to breath. Nothing. A future of nothing. I want to be out of the house, living on my own. Have a place I can work. A job that I can live on. If I owed nothing, I could just say fuck you all, and everything you stand for. I could be free to wander. It doesn't matter, if you have no stability, when you are no one and owe nothing to nobody. I wish I could redo the past seven years. God, I am so tired sometimes. Current Mood: frustrated (Comment on this)
Friday, May 8th, 2009
11:12 pm	Fanfic 100 giant table 001. Beginnings. 002. Middles. 003. Ends. 004. Insides. 005. Outsides. 006. Hours. 007. Days. 008. Weeks. 009. Months. 010. Years. 011. Red. 012. Orange. 013. Yellow. 014. Green. 015. Blue. 016. Purple. 017. Brown. 018. Black. 019. White. 020. Colourless. 021. Friends. 022. Enemies. 023. Lovers. 024. Family. 025. Strangers. 026. Teammates. 027. Parents. 028. Children. 029. Birth. 030. Death. 031. Sunrise. 032. Sunset. 033. Too Much. 034. Not Enough. 035. Sixth Sense. 036. Smell. 037. Sound. 038. Touch. 039. Taste. 040. Sight. 041. Shapes. 042. Triangle. 043. Square. 044. Circle. 045. Moon. 046. Star. 047. Heart. 048. Diamond. 049. Club. 050. Spade. 051. Water. 052. Fire. 053. Earth. 054. Air. 055. Spirit. 056. Breakfast. 057. Lunch. 058. Dinner. 059. Food. 060. Drink. 061. Winter. 062. Spring. 063. Summer. 064. Fall. 065. Passing. 066. Rain. 067. Snow. 068. Lightening. 069. Thunder. 070. Storm. 071. Broken. 072. Fixed. 073. Light. 074. Dark. 075. Shade. 076. Who? 077. What? 078. Where? 079. When? 080. Why? 081. How? 082. If. 083. And. 084. He. 085. She. 086. Choices. 087. Life. 088. School. 089. Work. 090. Home. 091. Birthday. 092. Christmas. 093. Thanksgiving. 094. Independence. 095. New Year 096. Writer‘s Choice. 097. Writer‘s Choice. 098. Writer‘s Choice. 099. Writer‘s Choice. 100. Writer‘s Choice. Current Music: Sigur Ros - vaka (Comment on this)
Monday, April 27th, 2009
9:33 pm	Music - revisited I was going through old entries, saw the one I did for this for my MS graduation. They didn't have my HS grad. year then. Thought I'd do it now. Go to Music Outfitters http://www.musicoutfitters.com/. In the Search box in the upper right hand corner, enter the year you graduated from high school. One of the items returned should be the 100 top songs from that year. Cut and paste them into your journal. Bold the ones you like. Underline your favorite. Strike through the songs you loathe. Italicize the ones you can't remember. Leave it untagged if you're without an opinion 1. A Thousand Miles, Vanessa Carlton 2. Get The Party Started, Pink 3. Complicated, Avril Lavigne 4. Dilemma, Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland 5. In The End, Linkin Park 6. Ain't It Funny, Jennifer Lopez 7. U Got It, Bad Usher 8. All You Wanted, Michelle Branch 9. Don't Let Me Get Me, Pink 10. Hot In Here, Nelly 11. Hey Baby, No Doubt 12. Can't Get You Out Of My Head, Kylie Minogue 13. Lose Yourself, Eminem 14. The Middle, Jimmy Eat World 15. The Game Of Love, Santana featuring Michelle Branch 16. U Don't Have To Call, Usher 17. Like I Love You, Justin Timberlake 18. Girlfriend, 'N Sync 19. Wherever You Will Go, The Calling 20. My Sacrifice, Creed 21. Ordinary Day, Vanessa Carlton 22. Underneath It All, No Doubt 23. Jenny From The Block, Jennifer Lopez 24. Just Like A Pill, Pink 25. Blurry, Puddle Of Mudd 26. Gangsta Lovin', Eve featuring Alicia Keys 27. Hero, Chad Kroeger featuring Josey Scott 28. Days Go By, Dirty Vegas 29. Foolish, Ashanti 30. Escape, Enrique Iglesias 31. Without Me, Eminem 32. No Such Thing, John Mayer 33. Can't Fight The Moonlight, LeAnn Rimes 34. Hella Good, No Doubt 35. Heaven, DJ Sammy & Yanou 36. Whenever, Wherever, Shakira 37. Family Portrait, Pink 38. One Last Breath, Creed 39. 7 Days, Craig David 40. Hands Clean, Alanis Morissette 41. Die Another Day, Madonna 42. Sk8er Boi, Avril Lavigne 43. A Woman's Worth, Alicia Keys 44. Love At First Sight, Kylie Minogue 45. Underneath Your Clothes, Shakira 46. I Need A Girl (Part One), P. Diddy featuring Usher & Loon 47. Full Moon, Brandy 48. Wasting My Time, Default 49. Soak Up The Sun, Sheryl Crow 50. Gotta Get Thru This, Daniel Bedingfield 51. Always On Time, Ja Rule featuring Ashanti 52. #1, Nelly 53. Livin' It Up, Ja Rule featuring Case 54. Goodbye To You, Michelle Branch 55. If I Could Go, Angie Martinez 56. Stole, Kelly Rowland 57. Just A Friend 2002, Mario 58. Roll Out (My Business), Ludacris 59. I'm Gonna Be Alright, Jennifer Lopez featuring Nas 60. Happy, Ashanti 61. No More Drama, Mary J. Blige 62. Somewhere Out There, Our Lady Peace 63. Video, India.Arie 64. Walking Away, Craig David 65. A Moment Like This, Kelly Clarkson 66. Rainy Dayz, Mary J. Blige featuring Ja Rule 67. What About Us?, Brandy 68. I Need A Girl (Part Two), P. Diddy & Ginuwine featuring Loon, Mario Winans & Tammy Rugger 69. (This Is) A Song For The Lonely, Cher 70. What's Luv?, Fat Joe featuring Ashanti 71. A New Day Has Come, Celine Dion 72. The Whole World, Outkast 73. Hey Ma, Cam'ron 74. More Than A Woman, Aaliyah 75. Disease, Matchbox 20 76. Oops (Oh My), Tweet 77. Here Is Gone, Goo Goo Dolls 78. Caramel City, High featuring Eve 79. Objection (Tango), Shakira 80. Out Of My Heart, BBMak 81. Girl Talk, TLC 82. Cleanin' Out My Closet, Eminem 83. Too Bad, Nickelback 84. In A Little While, Uncle Kracker 85. For All Time, Soluna 86. Wrong Impression, Natalie Imbruglia 87. Everyday, Dave Matthews Band 88. Starry Eyed Surprise, Paul Oakenfold 89. Where Are You Going Dave Matthews Band 90. Insatiable, Darrin Hayes 91. Rapture (Tastes So Sweet), iio 92. Son Of A Gun, Janet Jackson 93. The World's Greatest, R. Kelly 94. Something More, Train 95. Don't Say Goodbye, Paulina Rubio 96. Walk With Me, Seven & The Sun 97. I Do (Wanna Get Close To You), 3LW 98. Steve McQueen, Sheryl Crow 99. I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman, Britney Spears 100. Running Away, Hoobastank Lots of don't remembers again. Although again, probably would recognize some if I heard them. Yeah, apparently as far as music goes, 2002 was a shitty year. I considered doing the year I graduated college, but looking at the list, it's a little too depressing. Though there are a lot more good, or at least decent, songs on it than this one. Current Music: The Mars Volta - Amputechture (Comment on this)
Friday, November 14th, 2008
7:37 pm	HP 100 post: Pour challenge She lay before him, perfect, pure, naked. Milky skin in a red halo of hair. He leaned his head down to kiss her, slowly, from the jaw to the naval. She drew in a sharp breath at the beauty of his dark hair pooling on her skin, like night itself poured onto her. Yin and Yang. Light within dark, dark within light. They knew what people said: his friends hated her blood, hers just hated him. But this moment was theirs, and theirs alone. Tomorrow morning would be back to school, but this night they could be anything at all. Current Music: ModWheelMood - MHz (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 7th, 2008
8:24 pm	Nine Inch Nails concert So, I had one of the most amazing nights last night. Not that it wasn't filled with its share of problems. I had won a package for the NIN show at House of Blues that included tickets, dinner, overnight stay at the hotel, and ::drum roll:: a meet with the band. Getting there was not as easy as it should have been. Because I have a broken gas gauge, thought that I had filled the tank, hadn't, ran out of gas at the traffic light just as you enter AC from the expwy. At least I wasn't on the expwy when I ran out. So I flipped on the blinkers, and left the car in order to get help. Luckily I was at the shopping center. But they couldn't find the security phone number. When I left to get to the gas station to rent a can and get some gas in my car, there were some cops going to my car, which was empty and in a very bad place. They got me towed to the gas station, no cost (yay!), and I filled up and was on my way. So I never made it to my dinner. It was now 7, and the only food I had had since breakfast was a piece of corn bread and a piece of toast with almond butter. And I was waiting for Kristen, who was supposed to be my guest in all this wonderfulness, to call me. She had work til 8, due to communication problems, but was trying to get off earlier. I was told to go to the House of Blues, get to the merch table, and wait for a phone call from a Jason, and that the meet and greet was a little after 8. Which is what I told Kristen. But as it turned out, I didn't get back there til 9:30ish. So, I get to the hotel, and after some running around get checked in, run back to the car for tickets, and get my VIP wristband so I can get in through the NIN members entrance w/o a members ticket. But no one that I ask knows anything about the meeting with the band, and everyone was telling me that the merch table was inside, and I had to wait til the doors open (actually, I figured that part out by myself). So I showed the dude with the metal detector wand at the NIN entrance my purple band, and all was good. Got in, and hung around the table, waiting for the phone call. Problem is, I can't remember the guy's name, just that it's justin or Jason or something. The security guard to the back stage entrance says yeah, there's a guy named Jason. I wait some more. It's getting close to 9, Health will be going on soon. I decide to go back to the Foundation Room, where I had gotten the wristbands, to see if I should've picked up backstage passes there. The woman doesn't know, but finally there is someone who knows who I am, what's going on, who I need to talk to. He brings me Jason. And tells me to stop giggling (I wasn't giggling, I was laughing in a "hey some thing's finally going right and I'm being told to stand and wait where I was already" sorta way) b/c it's too fannish. And I'm still not getting back from Kristen, and I feel really stupid standing here, with this amazing package deal that I'm supposed to share with someone, but w/o a guest, like some kinda loser who can't get someone to see NIN in person. If I had been in a better state of mind, less frantic, I would have just grabbed someone from the audience, anyone who looked into it and maybe there alone, rather than with a group or even another person, and told them they could come meet the band. That would have been the nice thing to do, but I didn't think of it til too late. Which makes me very sad. Also, it turns out two girls from work are big fans, but I didn't think to ask them early on, and if I had things would've turned out much better. So, FINALLY, a little after 9, I am escorted back. YAY! And I am so excited and yet so very nervous. So nervous, in fact, that as I'm standing there, telling Jason (the coordinator) about my car troubles, totally unaware that everyone except Trent was already there. I realize this just before he comes out, so I don't get the chance to say hi, and to show that yeah, I do know band members other than the front man. So, in he comes, and I'm all yay yippee inside. And I shake everyone's hands, and am introduced, and I'm just smiling wider and wider, like a very happy person, as I get closer to Trent, where I must have had the hugest grin on my face. And then Trent starts telling me about how it won't be the same sort of show as the rest, and I say that I had heard that. And don't speak another word to him. Though after Robin says that he loves my sweater (which I then tell him I got for 1.50 at Kohls, b/c yeah, that was really necessary), he says it looks good on me, and mentions that clogs would look good on me, in reference to me commenting on Robin's clogs. Yeah, it only lasted maybe 5-10 minutes. B/c I was so nervous I couldn't seem to think of anything to say. When there was stuff I had wanted to say. But the brain-mouth connection had gone down. Then Robin notices my tights, which are purple. He pulls up his pants and points to his legs. Because he has on a pair of knee high socks the same color as my stockings. Which he is wearing with these crazy shiny black clogs. Which I totally loved. But that this was the only conversation to really take place, ugh, I feel stupid. B/c I should've said something about how this was my first ever NIN show, how much I love Ghosts, and how I had read the article on the lights show that has been a part of all of the other Lights in the Sky shows, or you know, something intelligent. But like I said, it was like I couldn't really talk except to respond to what the band members said. So, my impressions were this. Trent was very quiet in his speech, with this kind of shy aura that surprised me in someone who has made his living the past 20 years performing in front of people. It was somewhat different from Alessandro. He was also rather soft-spoken, and it is like on the Wiki page where Trent talks about his gentle presence. And it was just that, gentle, but not shy. (a fangirlish aside, Alessandro was so cute) I got very little in the way of impression from Josh or Justin. They didn't speak, except their names. But the person who I had the strongest impression from was Robin. He was just so very full of energy and just into it. And he was the one who took the most initiative to be engaging. Again, I just wish so much that I had been less nervous. Had I noticed the band in the room right away, I just might have gotten to talking with them, calmed my nerves a bit. And this was, of course, a once in a lifetime chance, no repeats. Very sad. So I got a signed tour poster, got my ticket signed for Kristen, did speak one last time to Trent, saying that I was looking forward to the show and all. Then they had to leave and I went back inside. I finally got something to eat, some stale Philly pretzels (you got two for $4, a steep price considering you can get three for like 1.50 or something), and then a second bottle of $5 water. Which is why I didn't drink, plus the fact that I had no food in my stomach. There was some waiting. I ran into someone I knew and showed him the pic on my camera from back stage. He was moving towards the pit, but the pit is not the place for me, b/c I am only just starting to recover from some nasty anxiety problems, and I knew I would have been one of the several people that night that had to be pulled out of the pit b/c of feeling sick or upset or getting hurt (actually one person got very badly sick, people said he was foaming at the mouth, eyes rolled into head, unresponsive, unable to stand, and security did not notice at first and these awesome fans responded by surfing him away from the pit to a safe place). But even in the back of the crowd, it still felt very close b/c of the wonderfully small venue. I don't know how I could really love a large stadium show with them after having my first experience being in this small setting. Then there was the start of the music, and it was an amazing ride from there. To be able to be there and hear some of my favorite songs sung live, it was just amazing. I was trying to do some taping with my camera, but the lights weren't so great from where I was, nor the view, and I was more about watching the show and dancing and singing than recording, so the camera bounces and you can hear me singing in my definitely not Reznor-quality voice. But they're great for myself. And some fans got great videos of various songs. A definite highlight was Peter Murphy coming on stage. Now, I love Bauhaus. But I've only heard the name of the lead singer a few times, and also only his picture a few times (and saw him singing in the opening of Hunger, a great scene). I hadn't heard his full name, b/c when anyone on the stage talked, I could only actually understand about half of it, and couldn't see him so well either. But when I saw him standing around outside the music hall after the show, I still couldn't place the face, but it was so familiar. But it wasn't until afterwards that I realized who it was, and just what I had been that I had seen: Trent Reznor and Peter Murphy, two amazing artists, singing Reptile (which I hadn't listened to in a while and had forgotten how much I love that song). Luckily I got a recording, and so did others (of much better quality than mine). Throughout the whole night, the atmosphere was just amazing, coming from the the fans and the band. Everyone on stage was just so into it. They were giving off a great energy. I was just jumping and singing and dancing and head-banging and having the time of my life. This was the most fucking amazing, perfect concert I have ever been to. It might have been my first for Nine Inch Nails, but it sure as hell won't be my last. I think that they had performed at Electric Factory last year, and I'm kicking myself for not going to that. I'm glad I wasn't at last year's HOB perfomance, though, b/c I heard so much bad about what happened during the performance. But this perfomance, I have no complaints. I would have loved to have seen the light show b/c of what I had seen and heard about it, b/c I love the idea of all of these lights, and the interactiveness of it for the band. But this small club venue can't be beat. And part of it is also the band. I saw Billy Corgan (during his solo tour) in Electric Factory, and did not get the same sort of feel. Though part of this was I was quite far from the front, even though it was GA, and was having a small panic attack, even with medicine. But of course, it wasn't the same sort of music and style as say a Smashing Pumpkins performance. So, back on topic. I kind of wish that I had bought a t-shirt. My mom had given me some money, so that I would have some in addition to what I had, b/c I didn't really have any money this week. So I started with $40 in my pocket, but had less than $35, the cost of the cheapest shirt, and they only took cash. If I had the cash on me, I probably would have gotten one. So after the performance, I hung around waiting for Jason again, b/c he had kept my poster in the back for me. What happened was I talked to the security guard, who remembered me from earlier, and he let me back, but the woman, his boss, immediately sent me out of there, b/c I wasn't suposed to be there (honestly, I was hoping to see band memebrs again, no such luck). And finally, after security had herded most people out, I got my poster. As I left, I saw Peter Murphy. I wanted to take a picture, but he seemed to be trying to leave, despite the flurry of people with cameras. Finally, two people got there pic with him, and he made his final goodbye. As I was heading up to my room, I ran into a couple who did get their photo with him. And they saw my poster, and I took a pic of them with it and w/o it. I sat for a moment, b/c I had been standing in boots since 7, and my feet hurt, as these boots eventually make my feet hurt like they're burning, I think b/c my feet slip around in them, rubbing against the inside. Then I gambled a very little, curious as I was about casinos at 1 am, b/c I had never been at a casino early in the morning or late at night. That night I had spent $35 on food, drink, parking, ear plugs. But I managed to win back $25. So I didn't spend any of my own money, and only $10 of the money my mom so kindly lent me. I only wish I had known where other fans were meeting up after the show. Next time, perhaps. So I eventually went to bed around 2, exhausted and happy. Slept til 7 (I never sleep late when not in my own bed, even if I had stayed up late). Went home. Now I am sore. My shins and thighs were very sore from bouncing around boots all night. And I don't even know why the pectoral muscle on my left side hurt. And I wasn't in the pit, so it wasn't from colliding with other people. But I am tired and sore and still so very happy. I was just on such a rush, as if still high on all the adrenaline and until 3 this afternoon, when I was halfway through my shift at work and just crashed. But I ate some lunch and drank some coffee and felt better. And as I already said, my only regret was that I didn't have anyone to share the experience with, that I ended up not sharing this amazing chance with someone. Flickr photos http://flickr.com/photos/26132558@N07/sets/72157608737264151/ Current Mood: Euphoric (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 24th, 2008
2:34 am	Coldplay Madison Square Garden Concert I got to get to the Coldplay concert at Madison Square Garden. And it was pretty amazing. I'm not the biggest fan, though I have liked everything I've heard by them, but my mom had tickets and took me. Their first opening act was a local band (and from I've heard they're looking for a local act in the Philly area for their Philly show, and will pay them with $2,000 and 10 free tickets for friends and family), which was decent, though it was too loud to really understand. The second opener was amazing. This guy Jon Hopkins got up there with a keyboard (and I'm pretty sure a couple other things) and a big screen. His music was all instrumental and was synced to an animated video. The video was just crazy, all this weird animation with things morphing and body parts and people and animals and tons of repetition (like the music) and some bizarre imagery. But I really loved it. Then the band came out, and I was surprised by just how much I loved the show. They're an amazing band live, with a lighting and they had these giant balls that were actually spherical screens that were usually showing the band performing but would also show various clips of things. Our seats were good. Not close, but with a really great view. But then the unexpected happened. The band came off the stage, took some acoustic instruments, and walked into the seating to play in the aisle, right where I was sitting. I was one row under and five seats to the right of the band. And some how this part of the concert caused some fight between some guy directly behind me and the girl in front of him. It led to some really nasty name calling. Then, just as I realized what was going on, I got splashed with the girl's beer, as she had just flung it at him (and onto the people in the next two rows behind the intended victim). And it almost got really out of hand, especially when the guy behind me, who was really afraid that it wouldn't come out of his clothes, wanted to hand the cup to the guy in the fight to throw at the girl. My mom was sort of trying to discourage that, not wanting to get in the middle of what would have turned into a fist fight. And the guy in the fight finally got security, who escorted out the girl and her bf (who was also getting involved in the mess). But really, as it never got to the point of blows, I found the whole thing really funny. But the craziest part is she wasted beer that she had spent (at least) $7.25 on (see below). And then there was confetti and a few more songs and generally a great night. Sadly, the one thing (well, besides the parking and Lincoln Tunnel traffic) that I really couldn't stand had nothing to do with the band. In fact, it's a problem that anyone attending a concert that isn't in some little local place faces. It's the problem of the venue itself. The way the venue treats it's customers. From the ban on any sort of outside food, to the $4.25 bottles of water (and no water fountains around to get a drink at instead or to fill your expensive water bottle) and $7.25 pints of Bud Light (basically more than the cost of a 6-pack), to the stupid but still annoying (due to obvious ease of spilling) rule where they remove the cap from your water bottle. The various hassles faced by the modern day concert-goer make me want to forgo the major concert experience and just go to local bars that book live music (not that I attend concerts very often). And I think that it's just kind of sad. I mean, come on, $4.25? They weren't even any brand of water one might recognize. Silly Silly extortionate prices. Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: Coldplay (in my mind) (Comment on this)
Friday, February 22nd, 2008
2:48 pm	Quizzy Harry Potter Character Combatibility Test created with QuizFarm.com You scored as Severus Snape You are Severus Snape. You are solitary, subtle, and secretive. Very few people truly know you. You do not give your loyalty easily. It is difficult for people to analyze you, for you refuse to betray your inner feelings. Severus Snape 72% Luna Lovegood 72% Hermione Granger 63% Ron Weasley 59% Remus Lupin 59% Albus Dumbledore 53% Percy Weasley 53% Harry Potter 53% Neville Longbottom 53% Bellatrix Lestrange 50% Draco Malfoy 50% Oliver Wood 41% Sirius Black 34% Lord Voldemort 28% (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
4:51 pm	personalDNA Considerate Experiencer (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 13th, 2007
11:00 pm	No life? SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 85 movies, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. There are 239 movies on this list. Copy this list mail, go to your own myspace account, click on Post Bulletin, paste this. Then, put x's next to the movies you've seen, add them up, change the header adding your number, and click post at the bottom. Have fun! (x) Rocky Horror Picture Show (x) Grease (x) Pirates of the Caribbean (x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest (x) Boondock Saints (x) Fight Club () Starsky and Hutch (x) Neverending Story () Blazing Saddles () Airplane Total: 7 Current Total: 7 (x) The Princess Bride (x) Anchor Man (x) Napoleon Dynamite (x) Labyrinth (x) Saw () Saw II () White Noise () White Oleander (x) Anger Management (x) 50 First Dates () The Princess Diaries () The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement Total: 7 Total so far: 14 () Scream () Scream 2 () Scream 3 () Scary Movie () Scary Movie 2 ()Scary Movie 3 () Scary Movie 4 (x) American Pie (x) American Pie 2 (x) American Wedding () American Pie: Band Camp Total: 3 Total so far: 17 (x) Harry Potter 1 (x) Harry Potter 2 (x) Harry Potter 3 (x) Harry Potter 4 () Resident Evil 1 () Resident Evil 2 (x) The Wedding Singer () Little Black Book (x) The Village () Lilo & Stitch Total: 6 Total so far: 23 () Finding Nemo (x) Finding Neverland (x) Signs () The Grinch () Texas Chainsaw Massacre () Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning () White Chicks (x) Butterfly Effect (x)13 Going on 30 () I, Robot () Robots Total: 4 Total so far: 27 () Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story () Universal Soldier (x) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events () Along Came Polly () Deep Impact () KingPin () Never Been Kissed (x) Meet The Parents (x) Meet the Fockers () Eight Crazy Nights () Joe Dirt (x) King Kong Total: 4 Total so far: 31 () A Cinderella Story (x) The Terminal () The Lizzie McGuire Movie () Passport to Paris (x) Dumb & Dumber () Dumber & Dumberer () Final Destination () Final Destination 2 () Final Destination 3 () Halloween (x) The Ring () Surviving X-MAS () Flubber Total: 3 Total so far: 34 (x) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle () Practical Magic (x) Chicago () Ghost Ship (x) From Hell (x) Hellboy () Secret Window () I Am Sam () The Whole Nine Yards () The Whole Ten Yards Total: 4 Total so far: 38 () The Day After Tomorrow () Child's Play () Seed of Chucky () Bride of Chucky (x) Ten Things I Hate About You () Just Married (x) Gothika () Nightmare on Elm Street () Sixteen Candles () Remember the Titans () Coach Carter () The Grudge () The Grudge 2 - the Japanese verison (x) The Mask () Son Of The Mask Total: 3 Total so far: 41 () Bad Boys () Bad Boys 2 () Joy Ride () Lucky Number Sleven (x) Ocean's Eleven () Ocean's Twelve () Bourne Identity () Bourne Supremecy () Lone Star () Bedazzled () Predator I () Predator II () The Fog () Ice Age () Ice Age 2: The Meltdown () Curious George Total: 1 Total so far: 42 (X) Independence Day ()Cujo () A Bronx Tale () Darkness Falls () Christine (x) ET () Children of the Corn () My Boss's Daughter () Maid in Manhattan () War of the Worlds () Rush Hour () Rush Hour 2 Total: 2 Total so far: 44 () Best Bet () How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days () She's All That () Calendar Girls () Sideways (x) Mars Attacks () Event Horizon (x) Ever After (x) Wizard of Oz () Forrest Gump () Big Trouble in Little China (x) The Terminator () The Terminator 2 () The Terminator 3 Total: 4 Total so far: 48 (x) X-Men (x) X-2 () X-3 (x) Spider-Man (x) Spider-Man 2 () Sky High () Jeepers Creepers () Jeepers Creepers 2 () Catch Me If You Can (x) The Little Mermaid () Freaky Friday (both) () Reign of Fire () The Skulls (x) Cruel Intentions (x) Cruel Intentions 2 () The Hot Chick (x) Shrek (x) Shrek 2 Total: 7 Total so far: 55 () Swimfan (x) Miracle on 34th street (x) Old School () The Notebook () K-Pax () Krippendorf's Tribe () A Walk to Remember () Ice Castles (x) Boogeyman (x) The 40-year-old-virgin Total: 4 Total so far: 59 (x) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring (x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers (x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King (x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark (x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade Total: 6 Total so far: 65 () Love & Basketball () Hostel () Waiting for Guffman () House of 1000 Corpses () Devil's Rejects (x) Elf () Highlander (x) Mothman Prophecies () American History X () Three Total: 2 Total so far: 67 () The Jacket () Kung Fu Hustle () Shaolin Soccer (x) Night Watch () Monsters inc. (x) Titanic (x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail (x) Shawn Of the Dead () Willard Total: 4 Total so far: 71 () High Tension (x) Club Dread (x) Hulk () Dawn Of the Dead (x) Hook () Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe (x) 28 days later () Orgazmo () Phantasm (x) Waterworld Total: 5 Total so far: 76 (x) Kill Bill vol 1 (x) Kill bill vol 2 () Mortal Kombat () Wolf Creek () Kingdom of Heaven () The Hills Have Eyes () I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman () The Last House on the Left () Re-Animator () Army of Darkness Total: 2 Total so far: 78 (x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace (x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones (x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith (x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope (X) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back (X) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi () Ewoks Caravan Of Courage (x) Ewoks The Battle For Endor Total: 7 Total so far: 85 (X) The Matrix () The Matrix Reloaded () The Matrix Revolutions (x) Animatrix () Evil Dead () Evil Dead 2 () Team America World Police (x) Red Dragon (x) Silence of the Lambs (x) Hannibal Total: 5 Grand Total: 90 (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
12:57 pm	Spring Break I'm really looking forward to getting down to Cape Hatteras. The weather's supposed to be nice. Not really warm, but nice and springy. I'm frantically packing, making sure I've got everything since I need to work til 10 tonight and I'm leaving tomorrow at 6 am to catch the earliest ferry. I love riding on the ferry. Would be cool if the water's choppy. I enjoyed it last time I was on and the weather was a little stormy, and you could feel the boat rolling under you, which you usually don't feel b/c it's a large vessel and the water is usually smooth. Though in the good weather, you see the dolphins behind you. I'll need to take lots of pictures. Wish I had a really good 35mm. I have the decent one my mom's got and I'll get some disposable. All in all, it should be fun. And we're gonna celebrate St. Patrick's day. Sadly there'll probably only be Guiness, no Irish food. That's ok, I had some cold corned beef sandwhiches with homemade cole slaw. Yum. The only way that I'll eat cole slaw. Well, back to my packing. Current Mood: excited Current Music: With Teeth (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 6th, 2005
9:41 pm	What can I do? I don't know what to do. Because there is much hurt in this world. It's in that country whose name I can't pronounce, in that city across the ocean, in that city an hour away, in that town just a few minutes from here, in that household that I could walk to. What kind of world is this where people are going hungry, where they are lucky if they have some kind of shelter, where the choice is food or medicine. Yet here we sit, complaining because we can't all watch the show that we want or because our neighbor has a nicer car than ours. Where I complain because I can't afford that pretty shirt I saw or because my bed is uncomfortable, and now that my parents can afford one for me, they say I'm too old to buy me one, and where I look in the fridge, say there's nothing to eat and we need to go to the store, when in reality there just wasn't anything I liked. But I have plenty to eat each day. I am warm in the winter and cool in the summer. My dad has good insurance, so I never have to worry about how any of us would get by if someone got sick or hurt or needed some kind of medical help. I have a car, and in a family of five we own four. I have plenty of clothes. I get to go to college. I have books and music. A computer. Good things are not out of my reach. I can work and make decent wages and use the money for the things I need and want. Because I was born in the right country, in the right city, to the right family. Chance stuck me here, so for that reason alone, I live this life, and not on the street, or with abusive parents, or somewhere with the constant threat of war and disease and hunger. The poorest of my country are better off than many people in other countries. While most of us make at least decent money, have more than we need to survive, yet continue to live beyond our means. And we do nothing, not even for the people who need help in our own backyard. Why? What CAN I do? That is, perhaps, part of the problem. It overwhelms me. I feel myself drowning in it. Because it feels as if nothing is ever enough. As long as there is greed and hate and anger and ignorance and laziness and fear, there will be no end to any of this. I know that sounds so cliched, but it's how I feel. (The [i]love[/i] of money is the root of all evil). I don't know what to do. Yet I do. I know there are things I can do, but I don't. It disgusts me when I see people with no real troubles in their lives, with so much in their lives, and so many things in there lives, complaining. It sickens me when I see people stuffing themselves to the point of bursting, going to an early grave from the health effecs, just because they can. I want to be sick when I catch these things in my own self. And I want to scream to the world, "WHY DON'T YOU CARE?!" I want to scream to myself, "WHY DO YOU DO NOTHING?!" Where is your heart? Did you sell it? And it eats me up inside. While at the same time, that voice deep inside nags at me, asking my bother? Won't we all die anyway? Isn't the world doomed, isn't this life and this existance going to be destroyed (and soon, it says, soon). Yet weren't we also compelled, to help the poor? Is there not the judgement, where each of us will be asked, what did we do to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, visit the sick? Why aren't more Christians doing this? Why aren't we pushing ourselves, going out or our way, to minister and love, to bring whatever we can to those who need it? We might write a check once a month, pat ourselves on our backs, and say good job. And we feel so good. Perhaps we don't even do that. I will be honest. I do not. Sometimes I just don't even think of doing something to help. Or I'm lazy or selfish with my time and my resources. Other times, I just become overwhelmed. There is so much. There is the AIDs crisis in Africa, and some Christians dare say that we should not develop a vaccine, because it is God's punishment to the sexually immoral. There is the crisis of the poor urban areas. There are the elderly, who have no one to care for them. The widowed, who had so long counted on their husband or wife, yet that person is no longer there. Homelessness, unemployment, bigotry, all of this and more. I want to do something. Yet all I do is sit here and feel sad. I cry, but I do nothing. Current Mood: Lost (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 3rd, 2005
5:12 pm	Another one bites the dust So another local store is going away. It's a really awesome music and book store. They sell cds, 8 tracks, tapes, all kinds of vinyls, record players, 8track players, vintage cameras, 8MM recorders, books, art, vintage magazines, guitars, violins, woodwinds, brass instruments, various odd instruments (auto harp, some sort of mini-guitar/dulcimer combo thingy) recording equipment. Really, just so much neat stuff. And it's the sort of store that our little city has very few of. But his rents been raised, he can't afford it. And he said should he move on to a new store, it certainly won't be here. But it's just the story of this place. The property owners are increasing their rents, and small businesses are forced to leave b/c they can't afford it. But I don't think it's the property owners' fault, the property taxes have been increasing lately. I've recently been interested in such vintage items, and I hate to have to go online to find them. It just seems to take some of the fun out of it, when you don't walk in, browse through stacks before finding some gem. That whole experience. Besides, I prefer buying from local vendors. Unless the internet site is a local vendor, then it's a little better. On the upside, I did pick up a copy of Blues for Allah on LP. And my dad wants to steal it. : ) They had a copy of Diamond Dogs that I wanted to get, but someone had drawn all over on the cover. Meh. Besides, I don't really have the money to spend. So now the question is gonna be spend money from my next paycheck on books at borders or fun things and music at Restless Spirit. (Comment on this)
Monday, August 29th, 2005
6:24 pm	Go to Music Outfitters. In the Search box in the upper right hand corner, enter the year you graduated from high school. One of the items returned should be the 100 top songs from that year. Cut and paste them into your journal. Bold the ones you like. Underline your favorite. Strike through the songs you loathe. Italicize the ones you can't remember. Leave it untagged if you're without an opinion Well, they don't have my graduation year, so I decided on middle school graduation year. It sure does make me feel old, realizing how long ago some of these songs came out. 1. Too Close, Next 2. The Boy Is Mine, Brandy and Monica 3. You're Still The One, Shania Twain 4. Truly Madly Deeply, Savage Garden 5. How Do I Live, LeAnn Rimes 6. Together Again, Janet 7. All My Life, K-Ci and JoJo 8. Candle In The Wind 1997, Elton John 9. Nice and Slow, Usher 10. I Don't Want To Wait, Paula Cole 11. How's It Going To Be, Third Eye Blind 12. No, No, No, Destiny's Child 13. My Heart Will Go On, Celine Dion 14. Gettin' Jiggy Wit, Will Smith 15. You Make Me Wanna..., Usher 16. My Way, Usher 17. My All, Mariah Carey 18. The First Night, Monica 19. Been Around The World, Puff Daddy and The Family 20. Adia, Sarah McLachlan 21. Crush, Jennifer Paige 22. Everybody (Backstreet's Back), Backstreet Boys 23. I Don't Want To Miss A Thing, Aerosmith 24. Body Bumpin Yippie-Yi-Yo, Public Announcement 25. This Kiss, Faith Hill 26. I Don't Ever Want To See You Again, Uncle Sam 27. Let's Ride, Montell Jordan 28. Sex And Candy, Marcy Playground 29. Show Me Love, Robyn 30. A Song For Mama, Boyz II Men 31. What You Want, Mase 32. Frozen, Madonna 33. Gone Till November, Wyclef Jean 34. My Body, Lsg 35. Tubthumping, Chumbawamba 36. Deja Vu (Uptown Baby), Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz 37. I Want You Back, 'N Sync 38. When The Lights Go Out, Five 39. They Don't Know, Jon B. 40. Make Em' Say Uhh!, Master P 41. Make It Hot, Nicole Featuring Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott and Mocha 42. Never Eve, All Saints 43. I Get Lonely, Janet 44. Feel So Good, Mase 45. Say It, Voices Of Theory 46. Kiss The Rain, Billie Myers 47. Come With Me, Puff Daddy 48. Romeo And Juliet, Sylk-E Fyne 49. It's All About Me, Mya and Sisqo 50. I Will Come To You, Hanson 51. One Week, Barenaked Ladies 52. Swing My Way, K.P. and Envyi 53. The Arms Of The One Who Loves You, Xscape 54. My Love Is The Shhh!, Somethin' For The People 55. Daydreamin', Tatyana Ali 56. We're Not Making Love No More, Dru Hill 57. Semi-Charmed Life, Third Eye Blind 58. I Do, Lisa Loeb 59. Lookin' At Me, Mase 60. Looking Through Your Eyes, LeAnn Rimes 61. Lately, Divine 62. Quit Playing Games (With My Heart), Backstreet Boys 63. I Still Love You, Next 64. Time After Time, Inoj 65. Are You Jimmy Ray?, Jimmy Ray 66. Cruel Summer, Ace Of Base 67. I Got The Hook Up!, Master P 68. Victory, Puff Daddy and The Family 69. Too Much, Spice Girls 70. Ghetto Supastar (That Is What You Are), Pras Feat. Ol' Dirty Bastard and Mya 71. How Deep Is Your Love, Dru Hill Featuring Redman 72. Friend Of Mine, Kelly Price 73. Turn It Up [Remix] / Fire It Up, Busta Rhymes 74. I'll Be, Edwin McCain 75. Ray Of Light, Madonna 76. All For You, Sister Hazel 77. Touch It, Monifah 78. Money, Power and Respect, Lox 79. Bitter Sweet Symphony, The Verve 80. Dangerous, Busta Rhymes 81. Spice Up Your Life, Spice Girls 82. Because Of You, 98 Degrees 83. The Mummers' Dance, Loreena McKennitt 84. All Cried Out, Allure Featuring 112 85. Still Not A Player, Big Punisher Featuring Joe 86. The One I Gave My Heart To, Aaliyah 87. Foolish Games / You Were Meant For Me, Jewel 88. Love You Down, Inoj 89. Do For Love, 2Pac 90. Raise The Roof, Luke 91. Heaven, Nu Flavor 92. The Party Continues, Jd 93. Sock It 2 Me, Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott Featuring Da Brat 94. Butta Love, Next 95. A Rose Is Still A Rose, Aretha Franklin 96. 4 Seasons Of Loneliness, Boyz II Men 97. Father, LL Cool J 98. Thinkin' Bout It, Gerald Levert 99. Nobody's Supposed To Be Here, Deborah Cox 100. Westside, TQ Wow, a lot i didn't remember. Though I have the feeling that I might remember them if I heard them. There's a few that I'm surprised aren't on here, though I might be off by a year on those ones. Like Macarena and Barbie Girl. Guess those were '97. And others that I wish were on here, but knew wouldn't be. Hmph, my mom's graduating year songs were so much better. Current Mood: nostalgic Current Music: Singing some of these songs in my head (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
11:32 pm	You know you're from South Jersey when... * for ones I can associate with You Know You're From South Jersey When... *You don't "go to the beach", you go "down the shore"* In your mind you hear "watch out for the tram car please" even in your sleep. *You've had arguments over cheesesteak quality.* *When it snows more than an inch, you call it a blizzard.* You know someone named Siprasiut Xayapachan. You've actually found the Echelon Mall. Your uncle is in the mafia. *You or your friends have Lyme Disease.* *You don't understand why there aren't more 24-hour diners elsewhere in the country.* *You know what a Wawa is, and know the location of at least 15 of them.* *You know what became of the 13th Leeds child, and claim to have seen him one time while peeing in the woods.* *One time you were driving in the woods and got stuck in sand.* You have an EZ Pass, but you just hold it up. *Even though there's a new Wal-Mart in your town, you still go to the Berlin Farmers Market for cheap stuff.* Your neighborhood demonstrates co-existence of African-Americans and racist rednecks. *You know that you should get the hell out of Camden before dark.* *Your car is covered with yellow-green dust in April ann May.* *You buy Shop-Rite brand food at Shop-Rite.* Honesty, sincerity, and courtesy are things you once saw happen in Ohio. *You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle.* You think the Olive Garden is a bunch of crap and should not open restaurants in South Jersey. You worked at a blueberry farm when you were 13. You played soccer from Kindergarten through high school. *You've counted the number of titty bars on the Black Horse Pike.* *You always went to the Franklin Institute when you were a kid.* *Your middle school hangout was the mall.* You have an unusable, piece-of-shit boat in your front yard. You once skipped school and went to Wildwood. You're Italian. You know where to get the best bagel. You've called someone an "asshole" to their face at the Philly airport. *You say "water" weird.* *Even your school made good Italian subs, but you call them hoagies.* *You've almost fallen asleep on the Expressway.* *You've lived through hurricanes, nor'easters and fires, but have never seen a tornado, earthquake or volcano.* *You can't believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.* *You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation.* You never had school on Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur. *You have mandatory recycling. Enforced by law.* *In the woods behind your house, you can find couches, washing machines, and shoes.* *You don't have to go to Red Lobster to get fresh seafood.* *You go to at least one parade at the boardwalk each year.* *You've made a meal out of Tastycakes, Herr's BBQ potato chips, and Pennsylvania Dutch Birch Beer.* You know the Atlantic City High School marching band can lay down some phat beats. *You know New Years is all about the Mummers and the Polar Bear club.* You smoke Parliament Lights. You go to the local Fire Department barbeque in June. *Down the road, in the middle of nowhere, is an Egyptian restaurant and a custard stand with a minature golf course.* *You know what custard is in South Jersey.* *You can go bowling at 1:30 A.M. (with automatic scoring!)* In high school, you worked at a Friendly's. Route 206 doesn't freak you out at night. *One time, a sea gull shit all over your head.* *You once said, "It smells like Philadelphia in here."* *You know that people from the 609 area code are "a little different".* *Your mom still loves Bruce Springsteen.* *You know it can be -10 degrees and 70 degrees in January in the same year.* *There's a fruit and vegetable stand down the road.* *You will always say "YO", and you'll say it often.* *You scoff at tourists in Philadelphia.* Your town has an online commmunity. At least one person brings Big Fizz to a party. *You go to another state and sit at a gas station wondering when the people will come out to pump your gas.* *You have your own bucket for carmel corn refills.* *You know that no matter how much they put into the Camden waterfront Camden is still Camden.* You have to mail your relocated friends tastykakes. *You think North Jersey is a different state and South Jersey deserves its own secession.* Your high school prom was at the Camden Aquarium or The Mansion in Voorhees. You have season passes to Great Adventure. You refuse to call Hoagies "subs." *You know where Olga's Diner is on rt 70.* *You are tired of people not believing you're from jersey because you don't have a New York accent.* You drive by a farm every time you get in the car. *You know what "jimmies" are and refuse to call them anything else.* Eastern Regional High School has a rip list every year! *Your neighbor is either a painter, a plumber, a builder, or an electrician with a work truck in the driveway.* *You have crossed all 5 bridges into Philly at one point in your life.* *You take day trips to philly to walk on South Street.* *You have had a near or close call experiences hitting a deer with your car.* (actually hit one, poor thing) You run around in the nearest patch of woods and play paint ball with your buddies. You've considered renaming "the Garden State" to "the Hoagie State" You have a story about the "Hell Hole" ride in Wildwood. You remember the ducks in the middle of Cherry Hill Mall. *You call the Berlin Farmer's Market the Berlin Auction or the Auction.* You took your report card to Clementon Park for free tickets. *You've had some of the best parties in a field.* *Other people dont know what funnel cake and water ice is because everyone else calls it fried dough and slush.* You went "diner hopping" till the sun came up. *You don't acknoledge that it is tomorrow until either you go to sleep or the sun comes up.* *You know where to buy a katana for less than $50.* *You go on dates to diners and arcades.* You have empty Wawa half gallon iced tea bottles all over your car and room. *You've ever driven around aimlessly for hours with your friends saying "So, whatta we doin?"* *You've ever said the phrase "look at fricken MacGyver over here!"* *You know the difference betwine the train and the speedline.* The term "I think of you as a brother" turns into a whole family tree. You ever drove all the way to the shore just to walk around for 5 minutes then drive back. Your memories of places all consist of what you did there once when you were fucked up. You ever went over someone's house to hang out with their mom. *You have a knife collection, a PS2, a cell phone, a pager, and a computer but you can't afford to get your car fixed.* One of your hangouts is a parking lot. You say "'lanic city", instead of Atlantic City. *You can't get that sand out of your toes no matter how long it's been there.* *You haven't been able to find a decent stromboli since moving out of South Jersey.* *You've seen a shack with a satellite dish.* *You know that a Jug Handle is both a feature of the highway and a bar that looks like someone's house in Maple Shade.* You know of at least 3 bars where you know they won't card you. *You lived near a "crick" not a creek.* You don't recognize any one at your family reunion. *You say "gimme" instead of give me, or "com' mer" instead of come here.* You know a Chrissy and we all know she's gotten around! *You think we should sell north "Joisey" to New York for $24.* Everyone eventually starred at the Latin Casino. You never could figure out which was the Black Horse Pike or The White Horse Pike. You're a female and have beaten the crap out of at least one guy who wasn't your brother. You ever taken your parents car while they were asleep or away, before you were old enough to drive. You ever cut your foot on a broken bottle in a local stream. You have gotten bad poison ivy from hiding in a bush to make weird noises at the people passing by. There is a dead body somewhere in or near the stream by your house. You have to drive at least 30-60 minutes to get to work in order to make more than $10 an hour. You know what "pulling a camper" means and do it publicly when it is necessary. *You know that a "Yield" sign is merely a suggestion.* You've considered going to your high school late at night to check for ghosts in the halls rumoured haunted. *You think pit bulls are harmless.* *You don't think you have an accent.* Half your high school went to Camden County College. You know what the song "V-town" is about. Your front yard is made out of stones. *Everything is "twenty minutes away". If you ask how long it takes to get any place in South Jersey, the person always says, "about twenty minutes". To get to a mall, "Oh, about 20 minutes". To get to the airport, "Mmm, about 20 minutes." To get from Runnemede to Philly, "Only about 20 minutes". Try it. Only the shore areas take more than "twenty minutes". They're usually "an hour and twenty minutes."* *Thrift shopping with friends is an event.* You've intentionally stood in front of the tram car, and you're upset that it no longer stutters. *You remember the old Morey's Pier before the fire.* *Your parents gave in and bought you a hermit crab when you were down the shore.* *You curse off three drivers in two minutes.* *You went to StoryBook Land as a kid.* You haven't moved out of state soley for the reason you know the food is that bad everywhere else. *WHIPOORWILL!! WHIPOORWILL!!* *You know the one-day sale at JC Penny's really lasts three.* *You live in a "dry town" and every road out of it has a liquor store at the town border.* *Every time someone in Hollywood makes fun of Jersey, you're mad and proud at the same time.* Your big elementary school trip was to Springdale Farms. You know what the conductor is going to say for every stop on the PATCO HighSpeedline. Your neighborhood has a name that ties people together, as in "the kids" Your shoes have turned black from being in Pennsauken. You know at least 5 people who work at a prison. *You say "porta reeko" instead of puerto rico, as it should be pronounced.* You go to college and describe where you live in reference to how far you are from Cherry Hill. *You come home from college for christmas break and 75% of your HS graduating class is at the same diner you are at 3am.* *You aren't scared of the speed line.* You don't even care when you leave your door unlocked. More than one of your friends has spent more than a week at your house. *You've lived in a row home.* Making left turns just doesn't feel right anymore. *You have a super secret place to sled that in better than anywhere else in town!* You remember The Garden State Race Track and the day it burnt to the ground and all the tons of ashes that fell for miles. *You can spend the day at the Berlin Auction shopping at the outside flea market.* "Jeet?" makes sense when you hear it. The only thing you can play on guitar is "Stairway to Heaven" *You were amazed Moorsetown was on MTV Cribs.* A member of your family does not have all of their teeth. You know Voorhees used to be known as Kirkwood. You had a birthday party at Xhilarama. *You've been to 2 or more festivals named after some kind of fruit (strawberry, apple, blueberry, lima bean).* *You're astounded when a friend that moves tells you theres not a Wawa nor CVS withen a 10 mile radius of them.* *Going to New York is a huge trip but Philly is someplace to go when you're bored.* *You think Amish people are amazing.* Your whole school knows when each water ice place opens, and the line goes on forever! *You would drop everything you were doing and run to the voting polls right now if you heard we were voting to make North and South Jersey separate states.* *Summer is a process, not a season.* You've ever been to Wheaton Village. You know which places were built on indian burial grounds. You've slept behind a Wawa. You remember Caldor. You've had a dinner with your friends for less than $3. You don't know that in every other state, people get their liscenses when they're 16. *Everyone you know has had Confirmation but never goes to church.* After seeing a movie at the Ritz, you hang out at Tunes and then play Scrabble at Coffeeworks. *You know all of the "back roads" to get everywhere and prefer them to the expressway.* *You think a mountain is any landform taller than your house.* *You know what a "shoe-bie" is and can pick one out at the beach.* You go to Delaware to buy smokes. *You can name all the flavors of salt water taffy.* *You can smell and know when it's low tide.* *You remember the bad gypsy moth years.* *You eat at restaurants that have locations I, II, III, IV, and V.* *You know that you don't put ketchup on boardwalk fries.* You get three 50's in a row when you play skeeball. *Donald Trump is mentioned at least daily in your local paper.* *You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from south Jersey.* ::sigh:: I love South Jersey. Central's alright too. Current Mood: pleased Current Music: fleetwood mac - golddust woman (but only in my head) (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 11th, 2005
8:00 pm	little things My Pop-pop just called for no reason. Just to say hi and chat. And then I stop and realize, that sometimes it's just those little things that make your day. Cheers! Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 26th, 2005
10:02 pm	There are so many things that i want to be able to say to them. and time and again i chicken out. and i'm afraid to say things that i know need to be said. but i refuse to bring up the issues. but it makes me so angry. that i could scream at them, throw things. i want to smash stuff. i want to just bang my head against the porcelain sink til i pass out. b/c no matter what, i keep coming back to everything in my head. and it won't stop. why don't i have my high school diploma? how come my room being dirty is apparently more important than the fact that i've had a broken bed for 4 years and a bad matress for five. and all the broken promises. and the moving. and all the schools. and the fact that not bothering to use will power and the taste of the food is apparently worth the risk that you won't know the birth of your grandchildren. or any of this tuff. and i don't say it. or when i do mention anything, it gets yelled out in the middle of a fight, and no one pays attention. or rather, it just gets turned into a guilt trip against me. how dare i yell at my mom about these things. it's not her fault. look, now i've gone and made her cry. and i can't stand it. b/c it's either sit here and suffer, or try to make them realize everything, and in the end accomplish nothing but to upset everyone. it isn't fair. b/c they've been laying this shit on me since i was 15. maybe i'm not too young for it anymore (how often do i get that reminder that i'm 21, and my mom doesn't have to let me live here anymore and i'm old enough to do this and that, yet even now it's nothing more than a hollow, convenient excuse), but i was then. and my mom says i hold grudges, and asks why i always hold everything against them. b/c i can't help it. b/c i look back and i regret too much. and maybe it's just become easy to blame that on them. at least some stuff. but instead i just find myself in my room, crying at night by myself, praying that i could just fall asleep so i can feel better in the morning. it isn't fair! it isn't! it never has been, though, has it? and i feel as if nothing i feel can compare to everyone else. my family that is. that i have no right to be upset b/c when they were growing up, their families were so much more messed up. and it's not as if i don't have enough guilt about all of this w/o the extra servings courtesy of my mom. b/c i know they've done the best they can (maybe?) and that they've given up a lot for us. that i do have parents that love me. but sometimes, i don't know, i just feel forgotten. i hit 18 (and then eventually 21) and suddenly a lot of stuff just doesn't matter to anyone else. b/c apparently i should have grown up. i shouldn't be here. i should have gotten myself a job (or two or three), my own place, and be paying all of my own bills and be putting myself through college. i know people do it. but it's one of those last resort things. do you think i don't want to move out? that i wouldn't love to just pack up and leave? i wish i could. but i know that i can't. but i want to. and i want everything to just be ok. everything to work itself out. but it isn't. there are still money issues, all the time. my dad's own self-destructive behaviour, and everyone's refusal to face it. as they both send themselves to early graves. the grades at school being so bad. this feeling like i can't hold onto and save any money. this whole feeling like everything's spiraling out of control. and i can't do a damn thing about any of it. i know this all sounds so stupid. it sounds so cliched and rather below myself (much more appropriate for some dissafected youth, a kid in high school rebelling against everything). but i don't feel my age. i don't feel like the mature adult everyone keeps telling me i should be. i feel like i lost something in my high school time, and during my short time so far in college. like there was something i missed and everyone else seemed to get. like that idea that it should have been the best years out there. a time when you get into trouble, and make friendships and lose and resdiscover yourself. a time of exploring, some parties, music, school, activities, everything. but instead i got stuck and some sucky school w/o much of a choice otherwise, a school i was never really happy at. b/c i had to leave the school that i was happy at. the school that cost too much. and is now the reason i don't have a high school diploma. and it's this sense of something missing that is causing me to consider breaking up with my bf. of three years. such a long time. and i love him. i really do. i could see myself with him for the rest of my life. but i've never even been on one date with anyone else before. and this frustrates me. b/c i feel like, what if i'm going for the first person i really fell for? is this healthy? what if it all turns out bad? what if he's like my father? or what if he ends up hitting me? or what if we fight all the time? or something? what if what if what if? everything is a what if. what if that's the true problem behind all of my problems? i just don't want to be me. no, no. i don't mind being ME. i want to be me, with a different life. a different time, perhaps. some time when there was something to fight for. when there was something to be. i want to disappear from here and find myself elsewhere, in another lifetime. it makes me wish i believed in reincarnation, b/c at least then i'll have more chances at life. to do other things. to explore other possibilites. to see what the future holds for this planet and it's life and the universe. i've stopped making sense. and i'm still upset, but perhaps i feel better. yet i can still never gain that resolve to confront. but i feel as if maybe if i do, if i say to them everything i feel needs to be said, then perhaps things will get better. then again, there was that article, saying that even in the face of death, people don't change (citing the stat that some 90% of heart bypass patients can't force themselves to change the lifestyle that had brought them to that point). and these sorts of dissapointing things break my heart, b/c i just can't stand to lose any of them. the thought plagues me. it's always there in the back of my mind. Current Mood: angry, upset, hurt, confused Current Music: Enya (Comment on this)
Monday, May 16th, 2005
4:56 pm	too late I was born five years too late. I wish i had been born earlier. My parents, the others around their age, those about 10 years younger as well, how could they not have taken advantage of what they had. The music. That's the problem, the music that I am just now discovering was made when i was only between the ages of 5-10. Add into that that I had a relativly sheltered childhood, not having listened to much music until the age of 16 or 17 (other than classic rock, classical, and celtic), it just kinda sucks. So i didn't attend the concerts as a teenager. and now the people who created this music are almost the age of my own parents. which is weird, somehow. perhaps b/c it's so easy to fall for someone when the music is something that reaches down deep and draws out pieces of yourself that you didn't know existed. and i think part of the problem is they are no longer the people they were when they made the music that i am discovering. and i don't know. i'm just going on and on w/o really touching the heart of the matter. b/c i don't know the heart of the matter. i just need to get out there and find something that's being done now. something that i can feel in the same way, but that isn't from 15 years ago, so i can stop feeling like this. and i guess i don't know why i'm feeling like i have been recently. and it hurts so much, this aching pain in myself that i can't even identify. yet i don't want it to leave. i hate it. i love it. it is me. it is them. and yet i still can't grasp it. Current Mood: sad Current Music: Nine Inch Nails - Closer (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 14th, 2005
10:31 pm	Some times i can hardly take it. feeling it eating, gnawing. that sense that something is missing. something terrible is missing. like there should be something hanging just beyond my line of vision. but at least i've got it figured out, the discontent. the sadness. the floating feeling of nothing. that ache that hangs just above and behind my naval. those sensations that i've been trying to pinpoint for years. b/c it just isn't enough. this. this life. boring? perhaps that's part of it. but it's just nothing. this life is pointless. where's the adventure? the thrill? maybe i've been reading too much. those books, they spoil you. you begin to long for something that you cannot have. fall in love with a character, which is nothing but smoke, feel a longing for a place that never existed, a time that never really was. and maybe none of us belong here. maybe that is heaven, those things which only exist in the imaginations of the writer. perhaps they have glimpsed truth, and our souls, recognizing it, long for it. long for something bigger and greater than ourselves. i do not mean a deity. but an experience. the great adventure of a lifetime. and maybe we won't return. but that is ok. b/c in the short time we have loved and lived and learned and laughed and sung and danced and lived to last many lifetimes to come. it's that longing that makes you want to scream and run and dance and jump and cry and laugh and screw and write and create. and perhaps that singular drive is what keeps us all sane and human. and when you've lost that, you've lost it all. is it normal to feel like that? to feel like something isn't there? that intangible piece that's missing? i know people that would ascribe it to a lack of faith, but i do not lack faith. i have my faith and my belief and my God. and yet while i exist here on earth, i want more than this paltry existence. it's the sort of thing that makes me want to go out to some loud dance place. and just jump and yell and dance until i have no energy left. it's the sort of thing that makes me want to put on something loud and angry and sensual and screw someone hard and rough. (but this presents its own problems when you fall for someone who is not real, either in the true sense, or in the sense that they've become someone else in your mind, in a way that they do not exist in reality, and as such they are just fiction) and you are stuck here, doing nothing. with the candles burning on the dresser, and ache just will not go away. and you hope that when the future comes, and the end comes. and we die. and that after death there is something either so wonderful that it drives all of these thoughts away, or that the longings that the body could not achieve are there for the discovering by the soul. But right now, the best things i've got are books to read, music to listen to, art to view and perhaps create, and that small, lingering hope that at night, when i go to bed, the dreams that visit me will be filled with the things that i desire. Current Mood: longing Current Music: Nine Inch Nails - The Hand That Feeds (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 7th, 2005
11:03 pm	::sigh:: i'm falling hard for this guy. which is bad. i mean, i've got a bf. who i love dearly. who is madly in love with me. who i could seriously see marrying some day. but here i am. bah. stupid stupid. ok, not stupid. human nature. course, when i was younger, i wasn't very monogamy minded. this was fine.i had no interest in dating of any sort. i like guys, but that was it, i like them. did nothing about it. and since i've started dating Andrew (which is 3 years now), i've found that there hasn't been anyone that i've really liked. i've found some guys attractive and all, but didn't really like. now comes this guy. not particuarly physically attractive. though i do find myself drawn to him. maybe he just has that personality. he's quiet, he's a philosphy major, president of anime club, officer in the philosophical society at school, good tastes in music, kind, sweet, certainly shows an overall compassion for his fellow being. though it's nothing i could ever pursue. not just b/c i do have a bf i love. but also b/c our religious philosophies are so out of sync. this is something that is very important to me. and i'm already struggling to bring together some of my newfound realities with the reality of Christianity that i grew up with. certainly i do not hold quite as conservative a view about all of that as did the leaders at the Christian schools i attended or that of my parents. but i still do find that i'm rather conservative-minded. and way more literalist than anyone else at the philosophy club meeting i was just at. though i would love to pick his brain. i'd love to discuss these things with him. know what he thought. share what i think. share beliefs, all of that. he said that he used to be Christian, so i'd like to know what changed his mind. stuff like that. and what can i say? i've got a thing for these quiet, intellectual, depressed guys. (all of which he is, and literally depressed, on drugs since high school). and i've just got this, i guess clara barton complex. i fall for the guys that i want to save, that i somehow got in my mind need to be saved. (and now we've stepped back out of the realm of religion, this is not saved in the Christian terminology, though i'm am horrified at my own lack of evangelism in my life). truth be told, it's kind of a turn on, the vulnerable guy, the one that you comfort, sit there and hug while he cries (no i've never seen him cry, and outside of funeralsand children, i've only seen one guy cry,maybe two, can't remember exactly with the one circumstance). i guess that's my own little fetish. it used to be a bit more extensive, and more effective. now it's just what draws me to them, draws that line between liking him and really liking him. and i know it's bizarre. of course, it also leads into a sort of mental/physical sadist streak within myself. especially the mental. i doubt andrew truly knows the extent of this whole thing with myself. for which i feel bad. he's told me plenty of embarassing sexual secrets of himself. and embarrasing secrets about himself in general. and i can't bring myself to really face this with him. of course, there are aspects of it that i can barely face within myself. things that i've done within this twisted sadistic capacity to make the 'drama' last i guess is the best you could describe it? drama is the wrong word, yet the right word. i hate the whole high school 'he said, she said. i hate you, love you. we broke up and got back together so many times' crap. not that kind of drama. but trust me. there were issues we had to work out when we started seriously dating. and we have them resolved, but... ah well. sometimes perhaps it is better if we ignore the darker regions of ourselves. but i still do have a crush on this other guy. Current Mood: and frustrated (Comment on this)